“Do you have eggs in England?”

We don’t by the way, hens lay chickens without the egg.

“This is English Fish and Chips, the sign said it was, what you have must not be proper English.”

This was after discribing fish and chips as scampi and tortilla chips. I protested that this was not true English fish and chips, I was corrected.

“Mayo isn’t Mayonnase.”

Even I can’t comment on this.

“Do you have the Internet there?”

“No, I phone my friend and he types things for me.” (me)

“Oh, you have phones?”

This was on IRC. I’m serious. PS: It was a WebTV user.

“Well I have the Bible in English, and that’ll be more right”

Silly me, the Greek version of the New Testament must be wrong in comparison to your translation of it…

“I don’t like coffee, I only like lattes, cappuccinos and espressos. Oh, and those flavoured ones with coffee in them.”

Quite! I forgot that those weren’t coffee.

“I can’t call you on skype, my phone company won’t let me call long distance.”

Those phone companies, always getting at you!

“What’s your USA area code?”

“I don’t have one, I’m not in the USA, you call my international number, start with +44…” (me)

“OK, what’s your USA area code.”

“Because I’m not in the USA you don’t need to call one.”

“Oh, OK!” …thirty seconds… “OK, so before I put in your number, what USA area code do I use?”

Try 911…

“I’m from Africa, I’m African.”

“Um, you live in France, your parents were born in France, surely that makes you French?” (me)

“NO! My grandfather was from India and my grandmother came from Brazil!”

My geography is really not good any more… I always used to think Brazil was in South America.

“King Arthur must have been real, there was a film about it!”

Not the best I’ve heard, but the one I can remember.

“Being male, girls often confuse me entirely…” (me)

“That’s sexy coming from a lady”

“I’m male…”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you liked girls.”

This still doesn’t make any sense to me.

“Deodorant makes you not sweat.”

“Actually that’s antiperspirant, deodorant is meant to prevent smell, often deodorants are antiperspirant but that’s not their main job.” (me)

“No, DUH! Deodorant makes you not sweat, why do you think it’s called deodorant”

“De-odour? Like remove odour, as in smell.”

“Yeah! See!”

“Where did that explanation mention sweat?”

“Nowhere.”

“My point, deodorant removes odour, as in smell, not sweat.”

“NO! It removes sweat.”

Didn’t they admit to me being right then claim that I was wrong?

“Police need guns in case they need to shoot someone who’s like shop lifting. If the police have guns and the shop lifter doesn’t then it’ll be ok”

I see. Your reasoning is full of logic.

PS: Incidentally, I don’t object to armed officers carrying guns, I just like to see logic in an argument.

“You do know what happened in Vietnam, don’t you?” (me)

“Well, I get loads of my clothes there.”

“I mean the military stuff, you must know about it.”

“No. I don’t watch the news.”

This guy claimed to have a High School Diploma (for those who don’t know, this is a generic diploma issued by USA high schools at about the age of 18) in which he’d taken US history and ‘World’ history.

I’ve come to the end of my first edition of this. I’m sure I will write more, and I’m sure people will say more amazing things to me. I will be back!

Kind regards, Robert.