Robert Small, The blog thereof.

I’m going to compile a list of some absolutely shocking things people have said to me. Here it is.

“Do you have eggs in England?”

We don’t by the way, hens lay chickens without the egg.

“This is English Fish and Chips, the sign said it was, what you have must not be proper English.”

This was after discribing fish and chips as scampi and tortilla chips. I protested that this was not true English fish and chips, I was corrected.

“Mayo isn’t Mayonnase.”

Even I can’t comment on this.

“Do you have the Internet there?”

“No, I phone my friend and he types things for me.” (me)

“Oh, you have phones?”

This was on IRC. I’m serious. PS: It was a WebTV user.

“Well I have the Bible in English, and that’ll be more right”

Silly me, the Greek version of the New Testament must be wrong in comparison to your translation of it…

“I don’t like coffee, I only like lattes, cappuccinos and espressos. Oh, and those flavoured ones with coffee in them.”

Quite! I forgot that those weren’t coffee.

“I can’t call you on skype, my phone company won’t let me call long distance.”

Those phone companies, always getting at you!

“What’s your USA area code?”

“I don’t have one, I’m not in the USA, you call my international number, start with +44…” (me)

“OK, what’s your USA area code.”

“Because I’m not in the USA you don’t need to call one.”

“Oh, OK!” …thirty seconds… “OK, so before I put in your number, what USA area code do I use?”

Try 911…

“I’m from Africa, I’m African.”

“Um, you live in France, your parents were born in France, surely that makes you French?” (me)

“NO! My grandfather was from India and my grandmother came from Brazil!”

My geography is really not good any more… I always used to think Brazil was in South America.

“King Arthur must have been real, there was a film about it!”

Not the best I’ve heard, but the one I can remember.

“Being male, girls often confuse me entirely…” (me)

“That’s sexy coming from a lady”

“I’m male…”

“Oh, sorry, I thought you liked girls.”

This still doesn’t make any sense to me.

“Deodorant makes you not sweat.”

“Actually that’s antiperspirant, deodorant is meant to prevent smell, often deodorants are antiperspirant but that’s not their main job.” (me)

“No, DUH! Deodorant makes you not sweat, why do you think it’s called deodorant”

“De-odour? Like remove odour, as in smell.”

“Yeah! See!”

“Where did that explanation mention sweat?”

“Nowhere.”

“My point, deodorant removes odour, as in smell, not sweat.”

“NO! It removes sweat.”

Didn’t they admit to me being right then claim that I was wrong?

“Police need guns in case they need to shoot someone who’s like shop lifting. If the police have guns and the shop lifter doesn’t then it’ll be ok”

I see. Your reasoning is full of logic.

PS: Incidentally, I don’t object to armed officers carrying guns, I just like to see logic in an argument.

“You do know what happened in Vietnam, don’t you?” (me)

“Well, I get loads of my clothes there.”

“I mean the military stuff, you must know about it.”

“No. I don’t watch the news.”

This guy claimed to have a High School Diploma (for those who don’t know, this is a generic diploma issued by USA high schools at about the age of 18) in which he’d taken US history and ‘World’ history.

I’ve come to the end of my first edition of this. I’m sure I will write more, and I’m sure people will say more amazing things to me. I will be back!

Kind regards, Robert.

I’m scared. I suppose this doesn’t have quite the impact due to my rather bad paranoia, but it should.

I’ve recently spoken to children who actually told me that they wanted to be stupid. No, I’m not joking. No, these weren’t children who were in any way stupid or mentally challenged. Yes, I really am scared.

How is it that someone could honestly desire to be stupid? Children in Africa pray for school, they love it, they walk miles and miles for school just to learn a little. Apparently it’s out of fashion to like school in the wonderful civilised West. Apparently it no longer matters how we speak on the Internet, we can be guilty of shortening words, of using the wrong words and even worse and it not matter. I beg to differ. Actually, I don’t beg, I differ even if you don’t like it. I despise this ‘phonetic English’, moreover because I do not believe that it’s a true representation of the differences between words. There are many more vowels than there are in the alphabet, or we would have no need for vowel combinations. To simplify the orthographic representation of a language which is already absurdly simplified in it’s correct form must be pure folly. It’s a shame that the perpetrators often do not understand that they use words which already exist and so make their sentences ambiguous, even more that they probably don’t know what ambiguous means.

However, our lingual culture is not the only thing which is being attacked; learning other languages, mathematics, history, the sciences, etcetera. Why is it that we consider it our holy right to force our language on others without even beginning to learn theirs? What’s more it seems we require them - if they are to be foolish enough to stumble onto our Internet - to understand our slang and misappropriation of words. It’s little wonder that French workers are notorious for pretending not to understand English, when they’re having to put up with a barrage of media and culture which gives little heed to them or their wishes and furthermore often uses them and other ‘foreign’ cultures as objects of mockery. In fact, how can we be surprised that this does indeed cause anger and distaste. Just look at the way that many tourists act, many take drunk and disorderly to a whole new level.

Although at times maths is hard, often taxing and mostly seems directly irrelevant to you and the rest of your life it has more benefits than you may have thought. A little thought brings me to the conclusion that you probably already know this, as you are still reading. Doing maths helps keep certain parts of your mind active, those logical parts which help you on a daily basis. If you’ve ever done weights you’ll know that being able to lift heavier weights makes smaller weights a lot easier. The same works with maths, the bigger and more complex mathematics you can do the faster and easier you can do the simple stuff. Those areas of your brain are more exercised and handle the small jobs faster. Not everyone uses all parts of advanced mathematics, but a lot of people use areas of it.

As humans we have a considerable list of large mistakes to our names. Many of them involve not learning from previous mistakes, this is something we’re very good at. The old adage of putting your hand in the fire and not getting burnt may work on an individual basis but does not appear to work on a collective level. In spite of this history is apparently ‘becoming irrelevant to everyday life’, even though watching today’s events we see historic events playing out again. Nationalism becoming support for Nazi-like governments, laws designed to protect us being used against us, and giving up our ‘liberties’ for the promise of ‘freedom’. Until we learn from the lessons of the past we must appreciate that history is a lesson we cannot forget.

We trust scientists and technical engineers for our everyday wants and needs. We trust medical science to keep us alive, we trust mechanical and structural engineers to keep us on the road and from being crushed by our homes and places of work, we trust software engineers with our daily schedule. Why then is it that we still label these people ‘geeks’ and ‘nerds’ and despise them for it? The age we live in is becoming increasingly IT based yet anyone who knows much more than how to turn on a PC can become the target of ridicule. Those who chose to study the area are often lacking in basic skills, take a class of young IT students and ask them to build you a PC and you’ll understand what I mean. How can it be possible that anyone should wish to drop these sciences from our curricular?

I feel that part of the problem could be in the media they are fed, it is considered possible for someone who understands little about life and is in all other fields completely useless to become a ‘celebrity’. This becomes the aim of many people, and so a something-for-nothing culture has become rife. Thank God (or possibly Satan) for Simon Cowell.

So, please, instil in any children you meet a need to push their boundaries and really learn something. Pop stars may have their place, but we can’t all be famous and stupid.

Kind regards, Robert.

Everyone knows I hate rap, really I hate ‘gangster rap’, I consider the art produced by certain Jamaican artists very pleasant to the ear. Nobody had informed me this made me racist. Picture the scene, it’s a summer’s evening by the side of a river, well, not really.

(16:57:42) <SomeoneElse>: do u have go getta
(16:58:47) <SmallR2002>: go getta?
(17:00:01) <SomeoneElse>: ya its by young jeezy and r kelly
(17:00:54) <SmallR2002>: oh… pop trash?
(17:01:07) <SomeoneElse>: no
(17:01:08) <SomeoneElse>: rap
(17:01:11) <SomeoneElse>: hip hop
(17:01:55) <SmallR2002>: ok, badly genre’d trash
(17:02:09) <SomeoneElse>: omg!!!!
(17:02:21) <SomeoneElse>: that’s insaulting to the rap world
(17:03:27) <SmallR2002>: i can be more so…
(17:03:38) <SomeoneElse>: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(17:04:07) <SomeoneElse>: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(17:04:12) <SmallR2002>: mostly ’styles’ of pop
(17:04:15) <SomeoneElse>: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111
(17:04:22) <SomeoneElse>: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(17:05:04) <SmallR2002>: and pop near enough always sucks
(17:05:14) <SomeoneElse>: rawr
(17:05:49) <SmallR2002>: even the monkees were better than most modern pop
(17:06:12) <SomeoneElse>: who the heck are the monkees
(17:06:32) <SmallR2002>: shows how much you know about music…
(17:06:55) <SmallR2002>: please tell me you’ve heard of the beatles
(17:06:56) <SomeoneElse>: you’re a racist freak
(17:07:05) <SmallR2002>: racist freak?
(17:07:07) <SomeoneElse>: you dont like rap cuz most rappers are black or mixed
(17:07:11) <SmallR2002>: hahaha
(17:07:18) <SomeoneElse>: you’re a fucking racist freak
(17:07:18) <SmallR2002>: which is why i love bluegrass and jazz?
(17:07:41) <SmallR2002>: japanese pop, jpunk, lots of asian music too
(17:07:57) <SomeoneElse>: well jazz music made it’s way into rap
(17:08:00) <SomeoneElse>: you loser
(17:08:17) <SmallR2002>: not quite, but, near enough
(17:08:38) <SmallR2002>: i find that so amusing…
(17:08:56) <SomeoneElse>: psh and i happen 2 kno more musicans than u
(17:09:01) <SmallR2002>: really?
(17:09:05) <SomeoneElse>: like wolf from sydney
(17:09:15) <SomeoneElse>: and richard carter from someplace in europe
(17:09:24) <SomeoneElse>: and other ppl my mom talks 2 and meets
(17:10:16) <SmallR2002>: all the artists on my myspace i know and correspond with personally
(17:10:59) <SomeoneElse>: you dont know all the artists on myspace
(17:11:27) <SmallR2002>: on my myspace i do
(17:11:31) <SmallR2002>: not on myspace
(17:11:38) <SmallR2002>: helps if you read :p
(17:12:07) <SomeoneElse>: shut up
(17:12:13) <SmallR2002>: …
(17:12:34) <SmallR2002>: so you cant debate without insulting or telling me to shut up?
(17:12:43) <SomeoneElse>: shut up
(17:12:57) <SomeoneElse>: ur a freak
(17:13:07) <SmallR2002>: i’m a freak, why?
(17:13:20) <SmallR2002>: because i don’t like rap and know more about alternative forms of music?
(17:13:56) <SomeoneElse>: no you’re a freak cuz ur so judgemental
(17:14:01) <SmallR2002>: i am?
(17:14:13) <SmallR2002>: when did i judge whom?
(17:14:28) <SomeoneElse>: people that like rap
(17:14:43) <SmallR2002>: yes… and i don’t like most rap
(17:16:38) <SomeoneElse>: you said you didnt like it at all;
(17:17:07) <SmallR2002>: when?
(17:18:09) <SomeoneElse>: when what?
(17:18:20) <SmallR2002>: when did i say that i didnt like it at all, quote me
(17:18:24) <SomeoneElse>: when did your balls shrink and you blew up and had sex with a penguin?
(17:18:30) <SomeoneElse>: idk i press esc after everything
(17:18:39) <SmallR2002>: well i didn’t
(17:19:13) <SmallR2002>: so, it would seem you’re being pretty judgemental calling me a racist freak for not liking some rap and liking alternative music wouldn’t it?
(17:20:48) <SmallR2002>: you’re also accusing me of things which aren’t true without any evidence
(17:21:02) <SmallR2002>: just because i don’t like some music you like
(17:22:36) <SomeoneElse>: well shut up
(17:22:40) <SomeoneElse>: go fuck ur penguin

So, ladies and gentlemen, it appears that someone who can’t spell `you’re` is calling me a racist freak. I’m deeply NOT hurt. Sorry, Borat reference.

I was going to write a critical essay on this, but I don’t think I can say anything to make it sound any worse or any better.

Kind regards, Robert.

This is going to be a bit of an open response to a message I received on MySpace. As the message was not open I cannot provide absolute proof of it’s existence, but I know that you’ll trust me.

“i’ve got a question to ask you about that have you ever been laid? with a woman? you big gay twat” Wilmur

I will not release my full attention or energy in response, but I do feel it necessary to address this and such similar attacks. This has not been the only of such, I believe the homophobic community must be passing this around or maybe linking to it within their weekly newsletter.

Before I address any issues raised in or by this correspondence it does strike me that the sender must either have not read my blog, or been heavily under the influence of some mind numbing drug at the time. The entire blog was not about the act of sexual intercourse, foreplay, or anything pertaining to such actions; it was about the use of sexual attraction and visual/verbal sexual manipulation within advertisements and popular culture. For those of you who’d like to totally dismiss this as nonsensical, I’d prefer to address this form of address before it becomes too commonplace within my new mail. I am also amused to find that sexuality is brought into this, did the author read more than the title before realising it as a way to display his own insecurities on a public medium? This I expect will remain a secret.

I will not address the issue of the correspondent’s sexuality, if they’re a latent homosexual and this is the way they chose to show it then that is entirely their business and not mine to pry into. I will not address their interesting grammar, nor the lack of capitalisation but simply presume they’ve broken their shift key and were in great hurry for their life.

Maybe it is that they don’t understand my post, maybe they cant comprehend the meaning of ’sexing’ or how things can be sold using a sexual image. Surely this cannot be so, they had a public school (that’s paid for those outside the UK) education of a genuinely good quality. I would not be surprised if they got higher marks than yours truly, my English skills have always been lacking. Surely they must have been able to understand the simple concept of sex in advertising.

The correspondent asks me if I’ve ever had sex with someone. I must remind them that this is none of their business, apart from being totally irrelevant to the post. They then go on to ask if, if the first question was answered yes, it was a member of the fair sex. They then accuse me of being gay and a `twat`. Gay I take to mean homosexual, and `twat` to mean fool; the other alternative is unlikely even in the context of the absurdity of the post, it being a happy vulva. I’ll let my friends judge me on my foolishness, but I’m most definitely heterosexual. Even if I were, what would be the problem, would there even be any change to the validity of my points of view? This strikes me as the stereotypical accusation of a young man being ‘gay’ because he cries at his wedding, his wedding to a woman, rather petty.

In conclusion I find this attack rather laughable. It’s badly worded and badly punctuated, it’s lacking in substance, it totally lacks factual backing or grounding for the accusations. It is unfortunate that I’ve received a few other similar emails or messages, it’s sad that even in this day of ‘freedom’ and ‘equality’ a man cannot stand up for what he believes to be right, and stand against something he believes to be another’s disgrace without attracting insults. Of course, it has to be the age old accusation of homosexuality.

How pathetic.

Kind regards, Robert.